Amsterdam, notorious for its infamous cafes and Red Light District, is a major bucket list destination. Tourists view this city as a naughty hotspot that they must see at least once in their lifetime and I was lucky enough to visit a few years ago while I studied abroad.
Unlike most tourists, I did not enjoy the cafes nor did I enjoy the pleasure of a prostitute’s company. I did, however, witness a live sex show and I was mildly mortified (and entertained). If you plan on broadening your sexual horizons in this European city, make sure you learn how to survive a live sex show in Amsterdam.
1. Shop Around
As a lucky tourist visiting Amsterdam, you have quite a few options when it comes to spending your money on a live sex show. You can either go to Moulin Rouge, Casa Rosso, or Sex Palace, each show only slightly different than the other and very similar in price.
So how do you choose?
While we walked up and down the RLD, an ominous, shady character a.k.a. “the street salesman” grabbed our attention first. At first, we thought he was going to sell us drugs or sex. Instead, he creepily offered us an hour-long show and two drink tickets at Casa Rosso. Upon hearing his pitch, we made sure to walk to each sex show location to search for the best deal. After discovering they were all about the same price, we returned to our frightening friend. He lowered the price by 5 euro while still including the two free drinks, so Casa Rosso it was!
If your friendly, sidewalk salesman does not offer any discount, try Casa Rosso. It has a slightly better reputation than the others.
2. Get a Good Seat
When visiting a sex show in Amsterdam, a seat is only as good as the amount of people you have to hide behind. Most shows require a “participant” as a part of their last act and most leading ladies prey on the front and back rows for this final part of the show. Unless you want to brag to your friends about eating a peeled banana out of a woman’s “downstairs,” you might want to hide out in the middle of the crowd against a dark wall.
As a group of girls, I felt that we weren’t quite the target for banana lady. If you are going with a group of dudes, your best bet is to avoid giggling and to look creepy as hell. No one wants to pay to see the old, masturbating loner on stage, so use that to your advantage.
3. Prepare for the Show
If your ticket includes drinks, now is the time to get obliterated. My admission included two drink tickets, both of which I used to take shots of Bacardi 151. If I was going to be watching a sex show in a room with strangers, I was going to be as drunk as possible while spending as little money as possible.
If you can, make sure to hit one of Amsterdam’s cafes or pregame before attending the show. There’s no way you can watch a series of odd sexual performances sober. Unless you’re into that kind of thing. Then you do you.
4. Enjoy the Experience
And now, after much dreaded anticipation, the show begins. I could explain in great detail what I saw that night and I’m not afraid to get graphic. But where would the fun be in that? I wasn’t warned or told what I might be experiencing, which led to a very… dark surprise. So I will leave this to your imagination (although that banana thing is pretty self explanatory).
I will tell you that there are 5 acts within a single hour, each act being more cringe-worthy than the last. You will see props, dancing, costumes and good ol’ fashioned humping.
5. Learn to Cope
You cannot unsee what just happened. You are officially scarred (or aroused) for life. It’s not unusual to feel shame, embarrassment, sadness and sexual excitement all in 1 hour. We giggled through most of the show, but our mouths dropped in complete shock a number of times.
During our show, banana lady was without a willing participant and was forced to end her show early. She grabbed her clothes and huffed off stage while the audience was left thinking, “Poor thing. Maybe we should have just done it.”
Just take your mind off of your experience with another trip to the cafe and don’t make eye contact with anyone when the lights turn on.